Thoughts from a wallflower

The Sound that Wouldn't Leave

2012-01-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

Scenario: you listen to a song, you like it, you listen again, you listen several more times, and then you listen to it in your mind frequently throughout the following days/weeks/months/years.

Has this happened to you? It seems to happen to me often. What do you think it is about these songs that latches to our minds and stays with us? My first inclination--the optimist that I am--is to say that these songs stay with us because of some connection they offer. This seems (regrettably) problematic though because it doesn't seem to explain all of the songs in this scenario. I'm not sure what it is, but I definitely would like to understand it more. A goal of mine is to be able to elicit that kind of scenario with something I've created. "Why?", you might ask. Well, I know how warm these experiences can be, and it'd be nice to know that I played a role in that.

That's all for today. I'll see you next year.

Restlessness the path to greatness?

2011-07-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

Hello, world. Did you miss me? Apparently I missed you as I'm writing to you on a warm (but not uncomfortably so) evening. I seem to turn to you when I can't sleep and, by an unfortunate coincidence, when I am not in my usual high spirits. I miss many things. I miss many people. Katie and I love living here, but the concessions we must make in order to continue doing so are not always so easy to live with. I have so much to be grateful for. Life goes easy on me (most of the time).

Enough chit-chat... I caught a bug this evening--one might say I took a brief visit down the "rathole". I call it a bug because it is a nuisance, and, though I can't be certain, I'm fairly sure that (also like a bug) it will be out of my life and into the shadows in no time at all. There is a lingering longing for greatness pestering me, knocking on the walls of my heart and mind. The ambiguity of this "greatness" is frustrating, to say the least. How does one define greatness? Success? What kind of success? The litany of questions could very easily go on for days; unfortunately for me, silly questions like this have been floating in and out of my brain like... well, like bugs... little flies perhaps. I told Katie that it's hard to accept my own mediocrity and my own limits. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't believe me to have limits. Prima facie it is obviously untrue, but it did get me thinking that perhaps I do sell myself short. I read a study on Optimism that purported optimists tend to fair better socioeconomically, in their health, and they tend to cope better when faced with adversity. The claim is partially common sense: if you anticipate good things happening in your future, you are very likely to continue pursuing goals, bettering your current situation, etc. Maybe that's something that I lack. I strive to better various aspects of myself on a regular basis, but there is definitely room for improvement. It could be more structured. It could be structured to begin with. As it currently stands, I've got nothing but a mental list of things to do. I'm sorry if this is boring you to tears, but I believe it is actually beneficial for me to sort through the minutiae.

I do try so very hard. I'm doing well in school. I've two more quarters before getting my bachelors (it's about time!), and my GPA is solid. I got straight-A's last quarter, which is laudable in that I was balancing a lot at the time. I'm not sure where to go from there though. There's been talk of graduate school. I'm not so sure I'm up for it right now. I do have to get my teaching credential anyway, and the program at UCSB is very arduous, but it's only a year long and ends with a masters degree and a teaching credential. A year isn't that long when you really think about it; on the other hand, that would require a lot of dedication. This is a nice segue into another problem I've been wrestling with this evening. Dedication...

I've given it some though and decided that I'm not a very dedicated person. I'm an addictive person, a distracted person. I do many things adequately to moderately well, but I cannot say with any sort of sincerity or conviction that I do anything excellently, at least nothing that I take very much pride in. This might be because my expectations are too high or I am pessimistic/cynical/half-empty/take your pick. My hope is that this isn't the case. The truth is I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of my own skills and limits. But I can't stop moving. Not that I'm supposed to or that that would help, but I get restless sometimes and want more. I want to achieve more, be better at so many things, be great at something, truly great. Sometimes I think it's there. Other times I get frustrated because I think it couldn't possibly be there. What is the reality? What is the truth? I'm not so sure.

With all of the words I've written/typed, one would expect that I would actually have said something intelligible or constructive. I hope you find at least some humor in this. The real question is, where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? How do I go about attaining excellence of character and eudaimonia? Choose one path and dedicate myself to excelling there? Continue to be the tired "jack of all trades, master of none"? Do whatever I feel like and enjoy the wonderful life that I have? Unlike what might logically make sense, I begin with statements and end with questions. The statements answer the questions, which starts the cycle all over again: this is the definition of the word "rathole". I'm moving. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I'm moving.

Sleep well,

Josh Bandy

P.S. I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while. I do hope you've been well in my absence.

August 16, 2010

2010-09-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

San Francisco was an affable friend. I think we will be on good terms for some time. Yesterday was wonderful all the way around. We started by going to a park for a free concert. We met up with many of the people we hung out with at the Irish bar. Dan apparently lives in a house full of Jews. They get money to throw parties and events and stuff. We drank wine and ate chips and hummus. When the concert was over we stopped at the restroom (as we'd been drinking for a few hours). Some sexist city designer thought it would be funny to put 12 stalls in the women's restroom and none (well, one) for the men. When Becky came out she instructed those of us in the long line of men waiting to relieve ourselves to just use the women's bathroom. So, a hoard of men then stampeded in that direction. It wasn't anarchy or anything, but it was fun. After that we went to the Castro District, which is home of the gays. We had a great time barhopping and dancing. Evan found some cute boy and was having a ball so we left him. After they'd hung out for a few Evan was left stranded and wandered the streets of San Francisco drunk. On the road to Oregon for the next part of this adventure. It's been a great start so far.
Best,
Josh Bandy

August 15, 2010

2010-09-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

So last night was amazing. We went out and drank the evening away at some overpriced Irish bar. Becky's boy_friend knew some people in an 80's accordion rock band. There were trombones and top hats, pretty much everything you could possibly want. I met some really sweet people. Dan is Becky's man. Sara(h?) is one of his many roommates. Rachel is friends with them and was super into Evan. They bonded over some Showtunes and danced together most of the night. Then there were Jeremy and Jenny, more of Becky's friends. I think the last of our group consisted of another Becky and another Josh. It was a great time. We danced and sang to Michael Jackson (from the Jackson 5) and Journey. I got lost in the experience, and I'm grateful for that. I hope more nights on this trip are like this one. Tonight we are headed to the Castro District to visit the gays. With Evan's dancing we should be in for another interesting experience :) More to come later.
Best,
Josh Bandy

August 14, 2010

2010-09-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

So much for writing everyday. That didn't take very long, did it? Yesterday was somewhat uneventful (in my defense). Registration was rather boring and mostly pointless. It does, fortunately, look like I'll be able to minor in Philosophy if I decide that is something I want to do. I'm still debating right now. Orientation took up most of the day. It took forever to be seen by my counselor. I tried to be fair by having everyone pull numbers for the order in which they'd be seen because the counselor left it very open-ended. This, of course, ended in my getting the second to the last number. All in all, the school does seem to be like a great place, and I'm happy to be going there soon. So many superlative changes approaching rapidly. (Does "superlative" work here, or is it too far off?) It's a wonderful feeling, really. I like feeling a part of some bigger spirit/group. Just attending that one school is a very unifying thing.

After orientation we fled to the city of San Francisco. Katie's sister, Becky, is letting us stay here despite Katie's absence, which is very kind of her! After getting settled we wandered the streets and found a cool bar called "Hemlock" on Pine and Polk St. There were several times throughout the evening that people stopped me and admired my UCSB sweater. Once again, it's good to be unified. I've felt like an outsider of sorts for a long time because I don't think like a lot of other people (and, don't get me wrong, I like it that way for the most part); but I want to have hope in our species. I want to believe we can defeat our pettiness, greed, and stupidity. In order to make some kind of difference to that effect I must be able to relate. Anyway, we're heading out right now to see the city so this is all for now.
Best always,
Josh Bandy

Retroactive Journal entries

2010-08-27T10:46:00.001-07:00

I have this journal (great gift) wherein I've been attempting to keep track of my most recent travels. I'm going to try to transcribe them here, but it might take me some time. Happy reading :)
(Note: future entries for this trip will be titled with the date they were originally written)

August 12, 2010

Today marks the start of a five-week-long road trip. My comrade for the journey is an affable chap named Evan (whom I worked with for some time at the Elephant Bar in Riverside). Years ago I might have seen this trip as an opportunity to find some abstract Truth that would make sense of the chaos that is the world as we perceive it; however, I have since abandoned most (but not all, I suppose) efforts to find some such myth. Instead, I see this trip as a fortuitous opportunity to experience new things and meet some new people. Since "Gott ist Tot," I am saying "yes" to this life (as the wise Nietzsche might implore me to do). I would nonetheless like to work on some things while I'm on this vacation though. I want to smile more. I want to learn how to enjoy and appreciate people and places more than I do now. I always want to learn how to love more too.

We are currently driving to Santa Barbara. My dear friend Jason Paul met up with us in Culver City to give us some cases of Vitamin Water and Smart Water for the trip. I love that guy. We have a great friendship, and I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for myriad things right now. I don't believe in Karma, but if I did I'd say that I must've been some kind of saint in a past life. Is that how Karma even works? I'm not sure... Maybe it's not too late to be a kind of saint in this life too. That's all for now. I plan on writing around once a day. We'll see how that goes.

L'chaim,
Josh Bandy

Some light

2009-08-18T16:17:00.001-07:00

I thought I should update this as my last blogs are much more despondent than my actual life is/has been. It probably doesn't help that most of my blogs are written in the dead of lonely night. I'm changing up a few things though. I have released my nihlistic sentiments (for the most part) and exchanged it for optimism. This, in large part, began with a conversation I had with one of the greatest men I know. I strive to be as love and magnanimous as Alan Volen, I really do. He offered sound advice that was somehow able to penetrate the shield of pessimism I'd grown so accustomed to. I feel somewhat like a recovering addict. "I've been sanguine for two weeks now." My world is gradually becoming more and more ethereal, and for this I am grateful. Negativity is unacceptable. This is the aphorism to which I now how myself accountable. If you hear anything negative from me, bring it to my attention and it will be remedied. I'm going to try. While I can't promise success, I can only do my best. I will make a positive impact, soft or profound, and I will become a better man. Think positive thoughts.
Be well.

The night that turned into the morning.

2009-07-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

I've been up for almost 24 hours. I decided not to sleep tonight. I did drink a bottle of wine though. That was nice, though now my body feels like shit. I've also been eating junk food all night. I'm going to work in a few hours and didn't know what else to do before work. I have a lot of thoughts in my head. It doesn't really matter what they are, I've decided. Not a whole lot matters. In fact, I'm trouble coming up with anything that actually matters.

My band played a show tonight. It was over a hundred degrees and it felt like a sauna. The turnout wasn't very good. There were a few regulars that came. It was nice to see those people that have been to every show. I didn't feel very inspired after the show though. I sat back and thought that this is what music has come to: people love it with all their heart and are reduced to playing a show for 15 people in the miserable heat. Abandon Kansas and Paper Mache are both wonderful bands. I don't know what the deal is with AK but PM tours almost all year and the band (from what I have heard second hand) are in thousands of dollars of debt.

I think justice is this made up word that doesn't really exist. Nothing is as I would have it. On top of this humbling fact, I am forced to accept that I am essentially powerless to this. I've made an observation that I think is sobering but accurate: people don't give a shit. We are inherently selfish. It makes sense. It's how we came to exist in the first place. Were we not selfish, we would not have survived. It is the "stamp of our lowly origin." I had hope that at this stage in our evolution we could be the anomaly that surpassed all other species. Could we find a way to become selfless while thriving? It doesn't appear to be so. We are yet corrupted by greed and selfishness.

I had been holding on to hope for some time now, but it has been growing increasingly scarce. The whole system is fucked. There are no answers. I cannot accept the lies I was fed when I was young. Where does that leave me? A nihilist. I ran into someone who said nihilism had been defeated rather convincingly. I would very much like to hear that argument. Jean Paul Sartre spoke of three stages of human development: Abandonment, anguish, and despair.

Abandonment. Sartre thought that belief in God was no longer tenable for the late 19th century. His focus was mainly directed towards morality, the idea that there is no underlying source of existential purpose or ethics.

Anguish. After acknowledging such a painful blow one would realize he/she is fully responsible for the decisions he/she makes. We cannot blame anyone for the state we find ourselves in. Essentially, we make our own beds.

Despair. We realize that we can't necessarily achieve what we want. Nothing is perfect. This brings us despair.

The man makes a lot of sense to me. It's bleak, I know, but I don't really have a better interpretation of the way things are. I bounce around between pessimism and optimism often. I wonder if I am "clinically depressed." I am then disgusted at the idea that I am thinking clearly but would be given copious prescriptions to dope me up while I ride this frustrating rollercoaster we call existence. The whole this is fucked. The whole thing. My brain is poisoned. No answers. I'm tired of asking questions, and I don't really feel like doing anything. I should be grateful for the fortunate state I find myself in. This country, though I criticize it frequently, is much better off that the majority of the world. There are many who would kill to be in my state (with no exaggeration made whatsoever). I can't seem to find the motivation. The broken system cannot be mended by my hands. I've nothing meaningful to add to the solution. My voice goes unheard. Change occurs only when change is ardently pursued. As stated earlier, because people don't care, change is not coming. I had lofty aspirations once. No more. I respectfully resign. Fuck it. I'm ready to go. See you around.

Greg Laswell

2009-06-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

I got the wonderful opportunity to see Laswell play in Hermosa Beach this evening. It was lovely. That said, I'd like to update quickly on a few things. I'm going to leave the country (eventually). I've turned into a grouch of sorts and am no longer able to tolerate living here. I also decided I don't so much like life. I'm venturing toward nihilism though I haven't completed arrived there as of yet. This is all very silly.

Hope

2009-06-08T21:48:00.001-07:00

I came across this the other day and thought I'd share. Hope you are all doing well.

"...the conception of a slowly developing humanity compensates for the partial failures and for the marred beauty of isolated instances. And surely there is in this human story, from cave man to poet, philosopher, and scientist, enough inspiration to fire the most sluggish imagination. There is enough to make one feel that, whatever our failure may be, they are neither eternal nor irremediable; that the course of evolution has loaded the dice in our favour; and that even though as individuals we are mere links in the chain of beings, as links we still play our parts, and so serve to provide a finer metal out of which may be forged the links that follow."

-Chapman Cohen, Monism and Religion

Chicken Soup For The Inquisitive Soul

2009-05-30T12:48:00.001-07:00

"The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. He who knows it not and can no longer wonder, no longer feel amazement, is as good as dead, a snuffed-out candle. It was the experience of mystery--even if mixed with fear--that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, of the manifestations of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which are only accessible to our reason in their most elementary forms--it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute the truly religious attitude; in this sense, and in this alone, I am a deeply religious man. I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures, or has a will of the type of which we are conscious in ourselves. An individual who should survive his physical death is also beyond my comprehension, nor do I wish it to be otherwise; such notions are for the fears or absurd egoism of feeble souls. Enough for me the mystery of the eternity of life, and the inkling of the marvelous structure of reality, together with the single-hearted endeavour to comprehend a portion, be it never so tiny, of the reason that manifests itself in nature."

--Albert Einstein, The World as I See It,Secaucus, New Jersey: The Citadel Press, 1999, p.5

Discouraged

2009-05-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

There are days when I feel alone. There are days when I feel like no one understands. Most times it's an inaccurate portrayal of how my life actually is, but there is some truth there. Every so often I hear about someone who has a negative perception of me and I haven't quite figured out why that is. I try not to be belligerent about my beliefs. People tend to be quite sensitive when you question that which they hold most dear. It makes sense. I most certainly wouldn't want someone spouting religious nonsense in an attempt to convert me because I don't have the "right" belief. As a result, I do my best not to be obtrusive or abrasive. This is not to say that I want to avoid the issue completely, I just don't feel most people really want to have an actual conversation about it. Apart from Jon, from whom I hold back very little, I fear most would be unable to bear my honest feelings.

Please know this: the decision I made to abandon faith and belief in god was not something I did impulsively or lightheartedly. My reasoning may not make sense to you, and I've come to accept that. Your reasoning may be faulty in my opinion, while shining flawless in your eyes. I am open to any questions at all times. I have no problems sharing where I stand, but I only ask that you respect it without passing judgment. To clear this up officially, in case anyone is still in the dark at this point, I do not believe in god. While it is within the realm of possibility that some creator and higher power exists, I am very skeptical as to our capacity as a species to claim knowledge of that entity. Truth is my ultimate goal, but as this point I am more than fairly pleased with my current disposition on matters of the supernatural and epistemological. Okay, that's enough on that topic. Now onto more practical matters.

My spirits, I must admit, have taken a slight turn for the worse as of most recently. This goes back to what I mentioned above about feeling lonely. Apparently, I am the only one cursed to think incessantly. Observation after observation further imprints an overwhelming sense of chaos and disorder in our society. Perhaps it is only naivety or immaturity, but I have such high hopes for our species. We've made such great strides since our conception! Unfortunately, I fear we are further behind than we ought to be. I get very discouraged when I take a moment to really consider the magnitude of the problem. I mentioned on my facebook at one point that I don't want to just put band-aids on gaping wounds. Yes, my heart sympathizes with the homeless and the impoverished. However, giving a dollar to the unkempt wanderer loitering around the freeway onramps and offramps doesn't seem to be a very effective remedy.

We are a nation of such opulence that it is far too easy to neglect the sad state of the world we actually live in. I wonder how much longer we'll continue to see poverty, hunger, and disease as merely unfortunate instead of its more appropriate descriptor: intolerable. Even a cursory glance at our society upsets my stomach. I haven't figured out whether I am being slowly overcome by cynicism or I am just going out of my mind, but it feels like too many of my peers are apathetic . I confess my own shortcomings in this area as I am not really taking any exemplary steps of action. My mind is plagued with questions and, unfortunately, tends to deter me from doing anything productive. I hope I can make clear that I ardently wish to make an impact for the better of this world and all of its inhabitants. I know not the expedient, but I am more than open to ideas (primarily those not relying on divine intervention).

In other news, I got a new job. My last day as a server/bartender will be next Tuesday. I am now "Josh the pool guy." More on that later. I need to buy some soju for dinner tonight at Mr. Ozaki's house. I didn't feel like proofreading this entry so my apologies for incoherence. Be well.

Tagged with the "S"

2009-04-16T16:31:00.000-07:00

I haven't given this any thought thus far, but it seems like "S" is going to be fairly easy. Candice tagged me to find 10 things I love that start with the letter "S." For whatever reason, some people seem to have this perception of me as a negative person so maybe it won't be as easy as it seems. Let's start with something simple.

1) Sunrises/sunsets - I have this weird obsession with the sun and the symbolism of the light versus darkness. I think too many people overlook how beautiful nature is. I guess that makes for a great transition to my next love.

2) Stars - If you've ever seen a book of what space really looks like, you should share this love with me. The vastness of space is stupefying. This universe is so breathtakingly gorgeous.

3) Songwriting - Music is very important to me. It's one of thosee things that makes life worth living.

4) Spirits - Am I cheating by using abnormal words? I like alcohol. Everything in moderation, of course, but I love hanging out with friends with a couple of drinks.

5) Sufjan Stevens - If you've never heard of him, he's one of the greatest songwriters/composers of our generation. He's unfortunately also one of the strangest persons of our generation. It ends up being a nice combination though. He is a breath of fresh air in a world of stale cliches.

6) Shins - Okay, technically it's "The Shins," but these guys are fantastic. His melodies and lyrics are astounding. If you enjoy The Beatles, there is a good chance you will fall in love with The Shins as I have. Check out "Kissing the Lipless" and "A Comet Appears."

7) Spaghetti - I love pretty much all pasta in general. Pesto sauce, alfredo sauce, tomato sauce... it's all golden.

8) Sarcasm - Another one of those things that makes life worth living. I'm one of the most sarcastic people you will meet.

9) Sex - I'll keep this explanation down to a minimum for all the kids. Suffice it to say, it's quite enjoyable...

10) Stories - There's nothing like a good story. I was fortunate to become friends with someone who has the most stories of anyone I've ever met. I learned that life is about experiencing new, different things. I used to shy away from new things. I made excuses like, "I don't have enough money" or, "I don't feel like it." If there's some advice I can give, it's go out and experience life. Don't be afraid to try something new.

I didn't expand as much as I would've liked because my brain is pretty much fried. We've been recording all week. All the recording is finally finished! We're mixing and mastering everything next week, then we'll get CDs duplicated. I'm super excited about how it's all turning out. I can't wait to show you all! I hope you love it as much as I do.
Be well.

Today was a good day.

2009-04-09T01:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday brought the end of another successful trip to Vegas. My last night there was spent meandering down Las Vegas Blvd, admiring the brilliant architecture. I have had such abounding peace lately. I've been experiencing more good days, and, consequently, fewer bad ones. Life is a wondrous adventure. Everyday I wake, I am excited to experience and learn something new. There is so much to experience and learn! We live on such a vast planet. Today I had the opportunity to spend a good deal of time by myself. It was nice pondering life and catching up on some reading. Speaking of the which, I read something quite profound and wanted to share it. I swear one day I will attain such eloquence.

"The greatest, equally with the smallest motions of the Universe, are subjected to the rigid necessity of inevitable laws. These laws are the unknown causes of the known effects perceivable in the Universe. Their effects are the boundaries of our knowledge, their names the expressions of our ignorance. To suppose some existence beyond, or above them, is to invent a second and superfluous hypothesis to account for what has already been accounted for by the laws of motion and the properties of matter. I admit that the nature of these laws is incomprehensible, but the hypothesis of a Deity adds a gratuitous difficulty, which so far from alleviating those that it is adduced to explain, requires new hypotheses for the elucidation of its own inherent contradictions."
-A Refutation of Deism, Percy Shelley

I was also fortunate enough to meet up with an old friend of mine. We always seem to have the most pleasant conversations. Like-minded people are not always so easy to find. As silly as it may be, it is nice to feel understood. We talked about life, love, and the future. I have so many lofty aspirations. If only I knew the expedient! I suppose life wouldn't be as marvelous if I had all the answers.

My band is recording in a few days! I can't wait to show all of you what I've been working on these past few months. Music and this band both mean a great deal to me. My heart is inspired and elevated from music, and my hope is to instigate that in others.

I decided I want to become a teacher. I'm not yet certain what I want to teach, only that I no longer want to major in business. I'm a restless, distracted soul. That's all for now though. I just wanted to share that passage mostly. The extra words were more random than anything else. I thought I would give a brief update on my life for those of whom I do not get to spend much of my time.

Ps. I honestly am clueless as to the proper usage of "whom" versus "who." Would any gracious genius in their humble benevolence care to clear that matter up? I love you.

Super Tight

2009-03-17T00:52:00.001-07:00

I heard today that someone referred to me as a "Christian basher." While my first instinct was to feel offended, I couldn't help but to be more than mildly amused. I must admit that I do feel some level of contempt for numerous aspects of Christianity and, indeed, all religions in general. (I tend to bring to light the faults apparent to me in Christianity more often than those found in other religions because Christianity is the religion with which I am most familiar.) I hope though, that to those who know me well this comes off as asinine as it does to me. I do my very best to live with integrity and honesty. Above all else, I seek truth. I've been scolded for my reliance on the powers of reason, but it is reason I will cling to for as long as I can. I firmly believe it is one of humanity's greatest and most precious gifts. Where I currently stand, Christianity (and, once again, most organized religion) does not add up to me whatsoever. That said, while I might completely disagree with what many hold very dear to their hearts, that in no way means I wish to attack them as persons. I know my time here is limited. Every ounce of me desires to change this world for the better. My purpose in this life is to spread peace and love as far as my capacities allow me to. I want to inspire hope and instigate positive attitude and change. In light of this, I would like to promulgate my commitment to loving people, their ideas and opinions separated. That's all I really wanted to say.
Be well.

Poetry

2009-03-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

This is an excerpt from an anthology I'm currently reading. I wanted to share. Hope you enjoy...

"That for the sake of man the gods designed all things, most widely
In all respects do they seem to have strayed from the path of true reason.
For even if I knew nothing concerning the nature of atoms,
Yet from heaven's very lore and legend's diversified story
I would make bold to aver and maintain that the order of Nature
Never by will of the gods for us mortals was ever created..."
(From De Rerum Natura -Lucretius)

This one is beautiful. It's a little tougher to get through but very powerful indeed. If you have can, take time and really read it...

"Now then, in order that you may learn that the minds of live creatures
And their imponderable souls are to birth and death alike subject,
I will proceed to compose such verse as shall earn your attention,
By long study amassed, and devised by delightful endeavour.
Please comprise these natures twain 'neath one appellation:
When I pass on, for example, to speak of the soul, how 'tis mortal,
Know that I speak of the mind as well, inasmuch as together
Both one single entity form, one composite substance.
Firstly, then, since I have shewn that 'tis rare, and composed of small bodies;
Shaped from much smaller atons than fashion a liquid like water,
Atoms far smaller than those which constitute mizzling and smoke-clouds--
For it is nimbler by far, and a far feebler blow sets it moving,
Stirred as it is by the films which mist and smoke shed around them,
As for example when steeped in sleep we seem to see altars
Breathing forth flames of fire, and exalting their smoke to the heavens;
Doubtless from objects like these such films as I speak of are gendered.
[This is where is gets really good]
Since too, when vessels are shattered, you see how in every direction
gushes the liquid flood, and the contents utterly vanish;
Since once again the mists and the smoke are dispersed by the breezes;
Know the the soul, too, is scattered abroad, and dies much more quickly,
And is the sooner resolved back into its primary atoms,
Once it has quitted the limbs of a man and abandoned his body.
For when the body, which forms its receptacle, cannot contain it,
Brind from any cause crushed, or by issue of life-blood enfeebled,
How can you think that the soul can by fluid air be encompassed?
How can the air, than our body more rare, be able to hold it?"
(From De Rerum Natura -Lucretius)

I Don't Want To Follow Death And All His Friends

2009-03-01T01:31:00.000-08:00

I was driving home on the freeway tonight and noticed something was awry. There was a car in my lane about 500 feet ahead of me or so. Out of nowhere it swerved hard left and straightened out. I slowed down and eventually saw a bumper, detached from a car, sitting in the middle of the lane. I didn't know what to do. I got out of the way and turned my hazards on. Someone behind me tried to get out of the way but hit it anyway. They didn't crash or anything though. The bumper did some damage though, and they had to pull over on the side of the road.

I've had so many dreams where I die. After hours of contemplation, I decided that I think it's because I'm not ready to go. There's so much I want to achieve. There's so much I want to say. It scares me to think I might become nothing without ever having achieved anything. I know that I probably won't be remembered for very long. I guess I can deal with that for the most part. It just destroys me to think that if I were to die tonight someone might look at my life and declare it a failure. I say that because I feel like I've failed on my own terms. I do not lead a life of excellence or virtue. I live a life of mediocrity and distraction. People tell me I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but I think I don't deal with myself harshly enough. There is greatness dwelling within me somewhere. I feel I have mountains of potential. I need to actualize much more of it though. Much more. I disappoint myself sometimes.

Conversation

2009-02-23T13:15:00.000-08:00

"Can you work my friday night shift?"

"Why do you need Friday covered? You've got "girl problems?"

"You can save the sarcasm and just answer the question if you life. You're the only girl problem I have."

"I know. My General Manager told me. Grow up."

"? What's your problem?"

"I didn't have a problem till you started drama. All your comment did was get you sent home which forced Nina to close so she couldn't pick her dad up from the airport. Whenever you look stressed I try to help. When you help me, I say thank you. I was nothing but nice that night and then you went and said that to Matt? What's your problem??"

"Does that mean you won't cover my shift or what? I didn't tell Matt to make Nina close. I'm not trying to start drama. Matt asked me what was going on and I was having a really bad night. I was frustrated about a lot of things. He asked if it was girl problems and I told him not exactly. My problem with you in not how you treated me that one night or at work at all. At work you pretend everythings fine. But it's not fine."

"I can't. Matt said it's best if I stop helping you and give you space. I don't want to sound like a bitch but how we interact at work is the only thing that matters to me now. We don't have to be friends but I also don't want you to miss out on bonding at Friday's because I'll be there. Tell me if you think there is something else I can do."

"I hate when people preface things like that. You do sound like a bitch and you know it. Maybe if you hadn't treated me like such a piece of shit and instead had some respect for me then I wouldn't have to miss out on bonding. I know damn well that you couldn't care less about me. You've made that all too clear. 'Thanks for rubbing that in my face. It feels great.' Or am I just choosing not to look through the 'kaleidiscope' correctly? Whatever. I just wanted my shift covered because it's my friends birthday and we are all supposed to go out to dinner. My bad for texting you. I saw your note in the break room. And I'm pretty sure there's nothing you can do because you truly believe you're an innocent victim."

"Oh dang! Okay- I'll leave you alone, josh."

"Damn. No witty, insidious comebacks to further demoralize me? I was hoping for maybe just one more. That's really why I texted you in the first place."

"Josh I hope you find what you're looking for."

"Spot on. My animosity and bitterness stem completely from my own inner discontentment and couldn't possibly be a byproduct of anything you've done. Touche. You win. You always do."

"That's not what I'm saying at all, josh! I am doing my best not to discredit any of the emotions you feel. Honestly we talked for a couple months and you're acting like I left you at the altar. I am sorry for the way things unravelled but you shouldn't let that affect you at work."

"You can say that all day long but it isn't true. Your words are, and have always been, completely empty. You discredit my emotions much as I expect you to. It's easy to detach when you have nothing vested in something. I know from personal experience. There are many things I should do but don't. Don't apologize for things you aren't sorry for. You won't appease me with your insincere platitudes anyway. I'll do my best to put on the happy face at work and pretend like I have any level of respect for you though, yeah?"

"Okie dokie."

I should be better than I am. I post this here because I am at a loss. So much of me seeks vindication and some form of affirmation. Emotions make you crazy. They bring out the ugliest things. They stir irrationality and suppress the voice of reason. I despise my weakness. I've lost today's battle. Pessimism emerges victorious. Not forever though. Not forever.

New Song!

2009-02-20T00:47:00.000-08:00

I wrote this today and I really like it:

If I die tonight
Will you promise me you’ll try
To remember the light
I’ve always tried to shine?
When I’m gone
I hope they sing a happy song,
And celebrate
All the love that I gave

And I don’t know where I’m going to go
So I’ll savor every sacred moment here with you.

If I die tonight
Will you promise not to lie
About memories of my
Brief, imperfect life?
Lord, I know
I’m a frayed and blemished soul.
I could never break
Out of these Goddamn chains.

And I don’t where I’m going to go
So I’ll savor every sacred moment here with you.

We’re all praying for more time to find the light
Because we all want to shine

The dark

2009-02-08T03:33:00.001-08:00

It's night time. I should go to sleep. I've been having the strangest dreams. There have been a few where I die. In the most recent one, I actually died in my dreams and felt my "spirit" rising up. It was the most eerie feeling. I don't know about dreams but that one has to mean something crazy. I find myself feeling anger and resentment. I don't like negativity. I wish there were a way to release. I don't want to be filled with hate and bitterness. So much of me thinks life should be fair. There isn't justice though. It is so incredibly selfish to think that life should be fair for me when so many live in want. How do you accept injustice? That's not rhetorical by any means. I'm genuinely curious. I've had a few drinks and it's about time I resign for the evening.
Be well.

Positive Thinking

2009-02-02T01:29:00.001-08:00

I'm going to be something great.

Still to come

2009-01-31T01:05:00.000-08:00

The worst part and you know it.
There is a numbness
In your heart and it's growing.

To whom it may concern

2009-01-26T22:13:00.001-08:00

I was browsing through my old blogs and found many of them to be very intense and a bit dreary. I haven't legitimately updated in some time now so I thought it appropriate to do so now, though, in all honesty I'd rather be writing music. Life is overwhelmingly beautiful. As I sit on my bed and close my eyes, I am saturated with the most intense feelings of gratitude and peace. While I am still unsure who this gratitude is directed toward, my disposition remains.

I am well. My heart is getting stronger with the days passing. It seems my temperament is becoming more positive along with it. Life is so good it's almost eerie. I have been blissful, joyous and serene.

Work has been good. We aren't the busiest restaurant but I am happy to have any job whatsoever. I'm taking a semester off from school so I will be looking for an additional job in the coming weeks. If you know of anything I can do part time during the mornings/days, please keep me posted.

I'm still decided on pursuing music. I'm getting a band together this week. Me and a few of my friends are going to practice and see what happens. I have lofty dreams that I want to make into a reality. Focus, discipline, and determination are all so important. They are "so key," if you will. I want to make a positive impact on this world. I want to spread hope, love, and peace. That sounds really lame but it's really what brings warmth to my heart. I definitely need to refrain from such terminology.

It's intriguing to me that I seem to be silenced by the good. When all is well, I don't update much. This should be a place of reflection on all facets of life. I want to examine myself in times of peace and discontentment. I will have to write more. Life is a brilliant rollercoaster.
Be well.

A song

2009-01-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

I made some changes. This is a fusion of fact and fiction. Not reality.

You’re good enough
To steal away the hearts of
Anyone else but me
I don’t really see.
Why you try,
‘Cause I’m not worth your time.
No.

What’s left unseen,
Is the fragile figure underneath
Layers of iron skin.
When will you begin
To let this fade?
I’m the wall you’ll never break
Through

Please don’t abandon hope tonight.
Whatever I made wrong,
God, I hope this song
Will make it right.
You’re a vapor to me,
But I don’t want to sleep
Alone

Rain poured against
The open freeway. Headlights led
To a birthday surprise for me,
But I would not even leave
My freezing sheets.
“Can’t it wait a week?”

But please don’t abandon hope tonight.
Whatever I made wrong,
God, I hope this song
Will make it right.
I never wanted you
You’re just something else to use
So I can feel better,
Feel better about myself

Oh, distorted story,
Every detail misused.
“You” are “Me,”
And “I” am “You.”
The truth hurts sometimes

Gold

2009-01-13T12:53:00.000-08:00

I read this and really liked it, so I thought I would share. I wish I could articulate so eloquently:

"Unfortunately for the good sense of mankind, the fact of their fallibility is far from carrying the weight in their practical judgement, which is always allowed to it in theory; for while every one well knows himself to be fallible, few think it necessary to take any precautions against their own fallibility, or admit the supposition that any opinion, of which they feel very certain, may be one of the examples of the error to which they acknowledge themselves to be liable. Absolute princes, or others who are accustomed to unlimited deference, usually feel this complete confidence in their own opinions on nearly all subjects. People more happily situated, who sometimes hear their opinions disputed, and are not wholly unused to be set right when they are wrong, place the same unbounded reliance only on such of their opinions as are shared by all who surround them, or to whom they habitually defer: for in proportion to a man's want of confidence in his own solitary judgement, does he usually repose, with implicit trust, on the infallibility of 'the world' in general. And the world, to each individual, means the part of it with which he comes in contact; his party, his sect, his church, his lass of society: the man may be called, by compariso, almost liberal and large-minded to whom it means anything so comprehensive as his own country or his own age. Nor is his faith in this collective authority at all shaken by his being aware that other ages, countries, sects, churches, classes, and parties have thought, and even now think, the exact reverse. He devolves upon his own world the responsibility of being in the right against the dissentient worlds of other people; and it never troubles him that mere accident has decided which of these numerous worlds is the object of his reliance, and that the same causes which make him a Churchman in London, would have made him a Buddhist or a Confucian in Pekin. Yet it is as evident in itself, as any amount of argument can make it, that ages are no more infallible than any individuals; every age having held many opinions which subsequent ages have deemed not only false but absurd; and it is as certain that many opinions, now general, will be rejected by future ages, as it is that many, once general, are rejected by the present."

John Stuart Mill
"On Liberty"

I lied

2009-01-09T15:32:00.000-08:00

It still hurts sometimes.

We're Breaking Through

2009-01-03T11:04:00.000-08:00

I think I finally did it. The sadness is gone, and the pessimism along with it. Positivity finally won out and I'm back to myself again. It's such a strange thing. I've gotten to hang out with a lot of friends lately which has been really nice. Exposing myself to people that care about me is a good remedy for a troubled mind. There are many things I need to get to doing now.

First, and foremost, I'm starting a band. Music is so important to me, and it's rather foolish to not even try to make something happen. I've got a few things going for me I think. Secondly, I'm going to start reading more. I've got a few weeks before I start school again so I should be able to get a good amount of reading in.

I haven't written much in here because I've been busy living. I think I'm okay with that. I finished a new song. It's exaggerated for effect...

You're good enough
To steal away the hearts of
Anyone else but me.
I don't really see
Why you try.
I'm not worth your time, no.

What's left unseen,
Is the fragile figure underneath
Layers of iron skin.
When will you begin
To let this fade?
I'm the wall you'll never break through.

Please don't abandon hope tonight.
Whatever I made wrong,
God, I hope this song
Will make it right.
You're vapor to me,
But I don't want to sleep alone.

Rain poured against
The open freeway. Headlights led
To a birthday surprise for me.
But I would not even leave
My cold bed.
Because, "It can wait," I said to you

Please don't abandon hope tonight.
Whatever I've made wrong,
God, I hope this song
Will make it right.
You're vapor to me,
and I can never sleep.

Oh, distorted story. Every detail misused.
Because "You" are "Me" and "I" am "You."
The truth
Hurts sometimes.

Release

2008-12-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

Over and over. Movies in my head play out what once was--mostly of the bad, but hidden sparsely are diamonds of the good. What a mystery this truly is. Over and over. Attempts to repress the thoughts are not strong enough. Over and over.

I stood silent while filling my car with gas: "Release. Just Release." Even while internally reassuring myself the thoughts only seemed to intensify. I know time is the only remedy, but I can't help but wish there were another way. It is a pity that someone could unknowingly possess so many of my thoughts. It is tragic that I am powerless to the situation. What is left but acceptance?

How to release? That is the questions that lingers. Maybe it's best to allow the flurry of emotions to come, and once weathered I will be "over it." People have told me I need to "deal" with things like my mom abandoning my family. That sounds great. Tell me how to do it. I've "dealt" with my issues according to my understanding and to the extent that my abilities have allowed. I am trying.

Hope is not dead. I need it like the air in my lungs. This is my mental odyssey. I meander through this series of events, picking up bits and pieces of a puzzle and trying to make some sense of them. It's exhausting. Lately, there has been a multitude of road blocks, and I've grown much too accustomed to breaks. I must persevere. I think I'm making progress anyway. I've nothing left to say and this hasn't helped. At the very least, I attempted.
Be well.

Before bed

2008-12-22T02:21:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last great deal of time watching videos both on Google and Youtube. I feel as if I've gained a wealth of knowledge and at the same time nothing at all. Much of life seems to be paradoxical in this way. At least now I'm finding amusement rather than frustration in observing that so many things make no sense. For whatever reason, I am fortunate enough (or unfortunate enough if you cling to Christianity) to live in a time and place where I have the luxury of thinking for myself and formulating my own opinions about things. It's comforting to be able to voice my questions and objections freely.

The more I get to thinking, the more I desire the ability to understand and articulate myself. I am growing increasingly envious of those able to say precisely what they mean to. I ceaselessly stumble over my thoughts and words. This thinking leads me to suppose that academia might just be for me. I am hesitant, indecisive, and lazy though. Even now, I remain on course for a degree in entrepreneurship. What I will end up doing with this degree who knows?

My thoughts have been clearer lately. It is like I've zoomed out and now, when looking at more of the picture, things make more sense. Hopefully I am moving past the stages of infancy and beginning to develop a new foundation of being. There has definitely been stages to this regression. I remember fearing a point Dostoevsky's made at one point that without god everything would be permissible. Morality couldn't possibly exist outside of god, could it? The notion that because we have a conscience, or an innate sense of right and wrong, god must exist was once a compelling enough argument for me.

Doubts had been brewing for some time, but I think it took my philosophy class to open my eyes completely. It was comforting to know I wasn't alone in my skepticism. It was an overwhelming relief to discover that I wasn't evil for being curious and contemplative in nature. After reading some thoughts of great philosophers before me who asked some of the very same questions I did, I felt much more comfortable publicly vocalizing myself. I think my timidity was grounded in ignorance. I've been surrounded by, and smothered in, a "Christian" culture. Almost everyone I've ever known is a theist of some kind.

This is a side note that I feel like mentioning for no reason in particular. I stumbled across a short Youtube video today about homosexuality being a choice. This specific poster makes uses irony in some of his videos to humorously demonstrate some point. It was surprisingly terse, but was very effective nonetheless. The video portrayed a person waking up in the morning and deciding that today would be the day he would turn his life around and start being straight. He says, "Well, that was easy. Time for a much easier life." I know multitudes of people firmly believe that homosexuality is a choice. Part of the beauty/curse of humanity is the ability to believe whatever you want to believe regardless of the evidence before you.

Anyway, I am making the point that for whatever reason I am inquisitive, analytical, and proned to skepticism. I fought this for a good portion of my life and, as a result, was very often disgruntled. I now, however, choose to embrace these qualities. I have chosen to no longer stifle my curiousity for fear of losing my faith. I seek truth. I am aware that absolute certitude is not really a likely possibility, but I am no longer afraid of embracing what makes most sense to me. I will pursue truth earnestly and diligently. Perhaps I can find meaning in that pursuit. I only hope I am fortunate enough to have much time ahead of me to learn.

I know this is all unnecessary. I dream of one day meeting someone who shares my fascination with these things no one else seems to care about. That would truly be miraculous. Until then, I'm afraid these thoughts fall on deaf ears. It appears many people seem content remaining docile and submissive. I know this sounds harsh but I don't blame most people. We're all trying, right? I can only do so much, and you can only do your best. That's enough for now.
Be well.

Will to Change

2008-12-18T12:33:00.000-08:00

This is an attempt to examine the limits of self-determination. Do I have the ability to change the way I feel? Is there any way to go about attaining such a power? I don't know if I should find complacency in ambivalence or if I should relentlessly strive for something more. Someone once commented on my ambiguity so I'll do my best to clarify.

Take my feelings towards Christianity, for example. It's really not that I want to feel the way I do. Does eternal damnation sound appealing to anyone? Sure, it would be nice to wake up one morning with a new found sense of clarity and be able to embrace what has, up until this point, been nonsensical to me. I have tried to feel differently. I devoted years of my life to searching, though, it was not always so diligently, for peace and a change of heart, but it never came.
I could chalk the whole thing up to weakness or inferiority, I suppose, but that seems insufficient.

Acceptance is the only answer I've found that appeases the issue for me, at least to some extent. I can only exhaust so many options before becoming tired. Life is too short to grow weary in futility. I need to learn to let things go. I need to learn to be content with things that are outside of my control. Pursuing the unattainable can be frustrating and disheartening. Maybe my ambitions to change my feelings are too lofty to actualize. Or, a more attractive possibility, acceptance leads to change. Maybe the change is just different than what I had originally anticipated. That sounds better, I think.

My ability to articulate does frustrate me at times. There is so much I want to say but my thoughts are blurry and unorganized. Learning, to me, is like turning the lens to focus a camera. It's infinitely slower than I would prefer but it's getting better, and the image is becoming clearer. One day I will adequately convey what's going on in this peculiar mind.

This is what keeps my world spinning. I would be bored if I didn't have these thoughts rolling around in my head all the time. I am a work in progress. Life is a great mystery. I need to force myself to do this more.
Be well.

Oh dear

2008-12-07T03:20:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't be writing this now. It won't make too much of a difference as only 3 or 4 people have the link to this site. After 3 beers my head doesn't think as clearly as I'd like. This will probably sound incoherent and I should have gone to bed but the alcohol just started kicking in and I lost that inhibition.

Justice: myth. Recently I've been forced to change the way I think about certain things. I've given up on the faith I held for my entire life. I never thought it would come to this but it has. I don't regret it yet. If I die and I spend eternity among the flames I'm sure I will regret ever leaving the truth. I've always sought truth though. That is in my nature. I will not continue living for something I can't fully embrace. It was a long time coming but it finally happened.

The reason I'm bringing this up in the first place is because I'm now having to reevaluate everything in my life. Shield your eyes as the cynical pessimist is about to arise in me. Life isn't the fairytale place I once imagined it to be. It is a place of pain, suffering, loss, and disappointment. I am not saying the opposites don't exist because I've felt them in the most intimate ways. I'm starting to lose hope. Maybe that's okay though. I'm not losing hope in anything detrimental I suppose. Perhaps it can be compared to learning the truth about santa or tooth fairy.

I'm young and I have much to learn. What I know now is what I can feel. Unfortunately, I feel pain. It's a deep pain that dwells within and stirs at every moment. It's a pain I can suppress when I'm filling my time with trivial tasks. The good guy doesn't always win. Injustice seems to prevail and it is more than disheartening. These are the darkest of my thoughts. I shine light on them now because I know the morning will rein them in once again, pushing them to the furthest corners of my consciousness. Negativity is a disease, an epidemic. I do well to restrain it most of the time. Even now I know I could shift my attitude in a more positive direction but I lack the fortitude.

Love is a joke. Don't tell me God loves me and His love never fails me. Save the trite Christian platitudes for ears that can benefit from them. It is continual frustration. More often than not, you grow to care about someone it doesn't work out. They don't feel the same way or things don't work out and there to alleviate the hope for something good: pain. Maybe Schopenhauer is right and the only way to rid yourself from suffering is to rid yourself of desire for anything. I don't think I could live the life of the ascetic though. I am far too weak. You live your life believing in something pure and good. It hurts to face the possibility that it all might be a lie. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe this is the path of reason. I've always been melodramatic and emotional. Some things don't change.

I just can't shake this pain. I wish I knew how but it tortures my mind. Nothing will come of it I know. When all is said and done I still don't win. I share my thoughts to a light in the darkness of my dining room. Funny, I was just chatting with a friend of mine about how amusing it is that everyone thinks they have something to say and about how easy it is to write the piercingly somber. Fortunately for me, alcohol is also a depressant and it's softly whispering me to bed. I resign. Until next time...
Be well.

Today is a new day

2008-12-04T10:04:00.000-08:00

I decided I'm going to start capitalizing again. It's cold this morning. Even in my house where the temperature is usually contained I am wearing a sweater. I wonder how I'd fare against actual cold weather. I think I'd be done for. It just occurred to me that life is very much like the scientific method (at least for me). I make observations of the world and from them i draw conclusions about how to live my life. Some things work and others don't. It's a rigorous process of trial and error. At times, it can be quite painful. At others, very rewarding. I guess I'm just trying to put things into perspective and assuage the lingering temptation to wallow in sorrow and misery. If I can make sense of things maybe I can avoid such awful feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes this is a difficult task. I can't make sense of some things no matter how hard I try.

A recent case brings this to light. I go over what happened in my head and reduce most of it to bad judgement on my part. This particular experiment failed miserably and that's okay. Everyone makes mistakes and as much as I'd like to believe that I'm impervious to weakness, I am still but a man, proned to falter and err. No, that was not a typo (not this time anyway). I have to admit defeat and the sooner, the better.

I have this problem of only being able to see what's right in front of me. You might be able to imagine, it's rather easy to lose perspective like this. Part of that is just me being the emotional kid that I am. I don't fight that part so much anymore as I don't see it as being necessarily bad in and of itself. It can be a detriment but perhaps it can also be my ally given the right circumstances.

Life is a process and I am ever-growing. I have to come eye to eye with some of the ugliest truths... "She's just not that into you," "you aren't enough sometimes," "you can't fix this," "you are wasting your time," "you're chasing the wind," "it's time to move on," "you've failed," and "you're wrong." The list grows longer and longer but I will not collapse. I will accept the things I cannot change and move forward in constant effort to better myself. I will be a better person tomorrow. I will be stronger tomorrow, more aware of the world I live in. I will choose to be positive and remember the good.

There are many things out of my control. I am, in at least some sense, the product of my consequences. In no way do I release ownership of the choices I make or the consequences thereof. I am only admitting impotence. I cannot change the thoughts, perspectives, and actions of others. I can hope I to be an influence, but ultimately the power rests outside of myself. So I shift my focus to what is within my power to change: myself (hopefully).

There are limits to reason. I do my best to test their boundaries though. This has become my nature. I wouldn't go so far as to say I was born this way as that claim might be too assumptuous even for me (and that is saying a lot considering the assertions I make all the time). My teacher articulated some thoughts of Wittgenstein that I think describe me well: Philosophy is for those who can't help but ponder the things no one else seems to care about. I'm not necessarily saying that I'm destined to be a philosopher so much as I want to point out my penchant for thought. I don't know any other way to be. I'm not so sure I'd prefer being some other way (which I guess is a good thing).

I guess that will do for this morning. It's about time I get to homework and my studies. This semester is finally coming to a close and I am relieved. The future is auspicious. Until next time...
be well.

the night

2008-12-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 29, 2008:

the night has always been such a dark time for me. i'm sure most of you have never heard any of my songs but the majority of them were written during the wee hours of the morning. as a result, most of them are somber and depressing. what is it about the night that evokes such vivid, harsh feelings? my guess is that night time is when i am the most alone. there is only me and my thoughts which, i have found, is not the safest thing. for whatever reason, optimism and hope dissipate and are replaced with negativity.

yesterday i was thinking about human nature and how it appears we (as humans) are incapable of being satisfied for any extended length of time. i'm not saying it has to be to an extreme extent but we seem to have a penchant for dissatisifaction. we strive and strive for something we hope will make us happy, and if we ever get it we either grow tired of it or find something new to be dissatisfied with. or maybe that's not accurate. i'm not basing this off of an extraordinarily vast amount of observations so i may very well be mistaken. i have found that i can manage my emotions for the most part. i must admit, though (to my regret), i am not strong enough to manage all of them. there is something to be said about being content in all circumstances. it is my hope that one day i will reach this point. i imagine it to be a paradise of sorts. i do believe i am improving though. after a few deep breaths taken with my eyes sealed shut, things get a bit brighter

i just can't remember being this way. i can't remember having such striking desires. i don't know if it's immature or profound. the juxtaposition of the two may seem abstract at first. perhaps this is some insight into the complexity of the situation for me. perseverance, stagnation, or retreat? ambivalence. this whole entry probably sounds much more melodramatic than i intend. i am not miserable. nor do i feel this way often. i am fine. the point is, i should be much more than "fine." i have more blessings than i can count and i have such opportunity it's ridiculous. ms. whitsett (i think that's how it's spelled). she's one of the most intelligent people i've ever met. she never married and i wondered if she ever got lonely or depressed. she said no. she didn't think it made sense and that it just seemed so selfish to her.

i know that i am human and am far from perfection. but man am i trying so very hard. it's just that dealing with feelings of failure and rejection (even in the most obscure and indirect sense) is not as easy as you might think. i know, i know: "josh, you mean to tell me you're actually having a tough time accepting that you just might not be good enough?" it's to the point of idiocy, i am well aware. it gets me down a bit and i wonder how to deal with all of this.

earlier today i was wondering if i'd ever prefer to be another way. what if i didn't think so much? what if i just went with the flow and i wasn't so damn curious and pensive? well, i wouldn't be me. whoever ends up putting up with me is going to have to be a saint. i drive myself crazy. can you imagine what i'll do to another person? it's funny to think about for now. who knows? maybe i'll just eventually grow out of this inquisitive nature. for now, my life is good. last time i was getting down alan's advice worked like a charm. i'm going to give it another shot and get some rest.
be well.

the rain

2008-12-04T09:58:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 26, 2008:

there is something so soothing about the rain. it brings such peace. it's the kind of peace that seems to settle in my heart and diminish any negative feelings. when i close my eyes and listen to the rain all is well. i know this is all just a matter of circumstance as i'm sure if i were in need of shelter the rain would bring much different feelings. for now, it is comforting. maybe i just like the idea of new life and a new beginning.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately. okay, i guess it's safe to say i always do a lot of thinking. anyway, for a long time i searched for a meaning of existence through Christ and his teachings. it was the foundation for all of my decisions. more recently, many of my fundamental beliefs have changed. this has caused a radical transition in mindset. who am i going to be now? i've rejected a purely egoistical existence. it's completely empty and seems only to emit bad things. so many of the problems in this world stem from selfishness. everyone is so greedy. people's insatiability is why children are working day in and day out for almost no money in barbaric conditions. some person has to keep costs low so they can make more money. we tacitly consent because we don't want to spend more money than we have to. they are out of sight, out of mind. our luxuries are a result of the suffering of others. this isn't new by any means either. slavery gave us vast quantities of wealth for a number of years. so much of the wealth belongs to so few people. we are manipulated into thinking things are different than they actually are. i can't say i know the solution to this. i'm perhaps worse off because i've acknowledged what most overlook and am still idle.

there's so much to say here that isn't being said because i'm not the articulator i would like to be. the point is that selfishness, lust, greed, and the like all seem to be destructive traits. so, i want to embrace the opposing ones. i want to be selfless, generous, considerate, and humble. these just sound so much more desirable to me. that very well may be because of my upbringing. maybe it's different for everyone. i feel more fulfilled when i'm loving and serving others. i find joy and fullness there. today i pondered the question: how do i become these things? how do i make them apart of who i am? i don't want to just perform loving or generous actions. i want these attributes to become my nature. i hate being selfish. i understand i have to take care of myself. i'm not saying i want to neglect my own needs. i just want to be thinking and meeting the needs of others whenever i can before considering myself. this could spark a tangent on giving money to people who ask and the conflicts that arise between helping and enabling, but i'll save that for another time. for now i'm just going to worry about changing my mindset. maybe i just have to inculcate it into my mind through constant acknowledgement and eventually i won't have to think about it anymore. perhaps i can make turn it into habit and from there it will become the defining qualities of my identity.

the other day i was having trouble maintaining a positive attitude. what did i do? i texted the most positive person i know. what did he do? he made me smile. "i'm trying to stay positive but school is really starting to get me down. i'm getting worn out." Alan: "constantly think positive thoughts. even out loud if you have to. keep going and COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS." the profudity of that man never ceases to amaze me. i want to be that. i want to bring hope and light to others. i'm honestly not sure how i'm going to make that happen yet but maybe it all starts in my mind. until next time...
be well.

lies, lies, lies

2008-12-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 23, 2008:

so i made an observation just now that i thought i would expand on a bit. i, being the skeptical, critical person that i am, thought i would bring to light something that doesn't make sense to me. once again, my hopes is that someone out there is smarter than i am and can make sense of the situation. (i really need to study proper comma usage. i'm not sure why but i get out of control with them sometimes and there's no way i could be using them properly.) this is all internet drama so buckle up...

one of my friends on facebook said they've been depressed lately. what stood out to me was one person's comments about this. essentially the comment said that the depressed would soon be on the other side of this. They said this person would actually be grateful for having gone through this because life is going to be so much better off. there are many things i don't know about the situation. perhaps this is meant to be specific and not a general, blanket statement (i hope this is the case). i don't want to attack any person in particular, i just want to examine a mindset. it's the mindset that i'm sure a lot of people have (and may very well differ from the mindset of the person that made this comment). there are a number of people in my family, for instance, who think exactly like this. it honestly doesn't make any sense to me though.

there is no promise that things will get better. who's to say things will turn around? i don't like pessimism for the most part. i try to stay as positive as possible. but, someone recently revealed to me there is a difference between optimism and realism. there is no reason this person, who is been depressed as of lately, could not acquire some terminal illness and suffer a slow, painful death. i most certainly wouldn't wish that on them or anyone else for that matter. the point is, it happens. it happens to people all the time. i've been so fortunate to have dodged many encounters with issues like this in my personal life and for that i'm infinitely grateful. maybe it's just the only way people can cope with difficult situations. if that's the case, i guess that's fair. i think i've just accepted that sometimes things don't get better. sometimes there is no rescue. i wish this were different but that is not the reality of the world we live in (at least to my understanding and experience). i don't claim to have all the answers. i've reached a place of acceptance. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing i'm not sure. here is what i know: i have the opportunity to live and i'm trying to take advantage of it. i want to enjoy as much of it as i possibly can. i will try to have the best attitude in all circumstances, i will love the people around me, and i will give myself to others.

i've been meaning to say something about this lately but greed and selfishness are both so destructive. they are the source of so much of the pain and suffering in this world. it then makes sense to embrace the opposite qualities. okay that's all for now. i've already procrastinated for far too long. if i could only be coherent enough to write a paper now. i need to get with it...

what if i fall?

2008-12-04T09:53:00.001-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 10, 2008:

"oh life with your colorful surprises." each day is a new experience. a new memory. i was talking with a friend today about how much of my life has been exceedingly easy. things tend to fall my way quite often. i don't really have to deal with failure because many things come naturally to me. i'm not saying that to say that i'm something great. i, more than most, know the extent of my limitations and weaknesses. however, though i may not be amazing at any one thing, i am above average at a good number of things. i'm not sure what it is that holds me back from greatness. i don't know if i lack the ability or just the motivation and methodology. part of me feels like i choose to take the safe road more often than not. i tend to shoot for things i feel i can attain without too much opposition. that is, up until most recently. i've done some crazy things (in my opinion) are super risky. i'm not sure how this is going to pan out yet. i'm in the process of reworking many things in my life and haven't had to deal with failure in any major sense yet. the question sits at the back of my mind, lingering like one of those annoying, unwanted solicitors outside of some supermarket: what if you fail? what if it doesn't work? what if you do your best and it's just not good enough? i'd love to believe i'll handle the situation temperately and remain optimistic about life but that may not be the case. i guess i'm just trying to learn to be secure in who i am as a person. i'm trying to find peace and contentment in me. i can only do my best. i can only try. i can't get down if i've been trying. what else can be expected of me? i know that eventually the day will come when i'll stare failure in the face. i get a little anxious wondering whether it's going to come sooner rather than later. i know it's meaningless though. no good can come of such worries. granted, not all of my feelings are rational. maybe many of them aren't. maybe most. ok maybe that's going a little too far. most of my feelings make sense. if i were to give a percentage i'd say maybe 85% of my feelings could be considered rational. sorry for that. that was entirely superfluous. i'd probably be really annoyed if i weren't myself. fortuately, it doesn't seem to make sense to be annoyed with your own personality. i imagine there are some that have such little control over their lives that they could be annoyed with themselves and not be able to do anything about it though. what a hell that would be. anyway, i'm trying not to get too carried away with being worried about failure. it is inevitable. you can't have everything you want. someone let me know if they've figured out a way to be content with that. especially if it's something they really want. okay, i've rambled for far too long already. i know this entry probably doesn't make any sense whatsoever. my apologies.

all grown up

2008-12-04T09:51:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 6, 2008:

i think part of growing up is understanding and accepting that people have views that differ from yours and that that's okay. i think so much of me (at least in the past) has gotten upset when someone else didn't agree with me. i felt like i somehow failed or that my opinions are illigitimate. does that necessarily have to be true though? it's very refreshing to see something portrayed in a different light and get the opportunity to learn something new. i appreciate the opinions and thoughts of others. i think there is something fascinating about the diversity of minds and i think it's important to encourage critical thinking. it's still difficult when i can't fully understand the argument someone else is making. as i get older, i find everything to be so complex. maybe i just make it that way, but there seem to be no easy answers. one issue can have many sides to it and i get distracted/lost pretty easily. i just hope my voice is heard and that i do an adequate job of listening. i never want to come off as arrogant or judgemental but i'm sure i do. that's not my intention. i am more than open to criticism and direction. i'm well aware that i have so much more to learn.

now for an update on my attempt to live life to the full... i've been quite the busy bee lately. school has taken up much of my time. i'm doing fairly well in all of my classes. nothing extraordinary, but sufficient nonetheless. i'm finding more and more that i am limited. i cannot please everyone. i can only do my very best. i assure you, i am trying. i do make mistakes but i'm doing my very best to learn from them. my hope is that no one gets hurt too bad in the process. as for now, i'm still optimistic about things. we'll see how long it takes for that to change. hopefully it'll be a while...

a simple thought experiment

2008-12-04T09:45:00.000-08:00

This was originally posted Nov. 2, 2008:

i've been extremely busy lately but i've also had a lot going on upstairs and i thought i'd get some of it out. the other day (and a few times since) i saw a group of people encouraging everyone to "vote yes on prop 8." parents brought their kids along with them to rally support. it stings. people seem to feel so strongly about this subject. if you're voting yes, i just want to say a few things. this doesn't have to change your mind or anything. i just want you to think. my dad gave me such a hard time about voting no but i believe it's because he hasn't really thought about it. at what point should we limit the freedom of other people? we are supposed to live in a 'free country, right?' it's easy to turn a blind eye when you are the majority. we fled to this country for many reasons. one of them was religious persecution. we were the minority and we wanted freedom to worship the way we thought was right. shouldn't everyone be free to live the way they want to as long as they aren't causing harm to others? hopefully the answer is yes. think for a second. say you were brought up a devout christian. to you, christianity is the absolute truth. how would you feel if the country you lived in suddenly said you had to abandon your religion. your religion is wrong and you can no longer practice it. you don't believe you are wrong though. christianity makes the most sense to you and it's all you've known your entire life. your religion isn't harming anyone else. 'do unto others,' right? if you wouldn't want someone to force you to change your religion, is it fair to expect someone to change theirs? now let's take a look at prop 8. do you honestly think that people are gay just to make everyone else angry? some say that gay people have serious issues and their homosexuality is a result of their past. it seems harsh to make this kind of judgement about an entire group of people you don't know. now, a homosexual wants to get married and your beliefs say that homosexuality is wrong. they believe there is nothing wrong with it. is their marriage causing you harm? let's turn the tables now. say the majority of people are homosexuals and they insisted that straight marriage is wrong and is no longer allowed. would you think it fair for them to keep you from making a life long commitment to someone of the opposite sex? you believe in good conscience there is nothing wrong with straight marriage. your marriage wouldn't be causing harm to anyone, would it? it seems like a double standard to restrict the rights of someone else just because they don't have the same beliefs as you. you may firmly believe homosexuality is an abomination. is that justification to restrict the rights of someone who doesn't hold the same values as you? i know this topic is pretty controversial but i feel like so many people haven't thought about this critically. many people have been told gay marriage is wrong and immediately think the logical step is to eradicate it. if your religion doesn't have room for homosexuals, don't allow them to get married in your church. i don't think it makes sense to make a law restricting the rights of others based on your beliefs though. that's just my opinion and it may be completely ridiculous to you. that's fair. i've thought through this issue and this is what makes sense to me as of right now. i know this is kind of all over the place because i didn't plan it out like a would an essay. you may disagree and that's okay. maybe you feel it's okay to take away freedoms based on your beliefs. i encourage you to put yourself in the place of the minority though. maybe you'll change your mind. don't just write it off saying, "they can get a civil union and that's basically the same thing." there was a time in this country when segregation was our normalcy. no one questioned it. "they can drink from that other water founatin. it's the same water. they can sit on the back of the bus. they still get to ride the bus, right?" i sincerely hope, regardless of the outcome, you think critically about the situation before you vote on it.