Scenario: you listen to a song, you like it, you listen again, you listen several more times, and then you listen to it in your mind frequently throughout the following days/weeks/months/years.
Has this happened to you? It seems to happen to me often. What do you think it is about these songs that latches to our minds and stays with us? My first inclination--the optimist that I am--is to say that these songs stay with us because of some connection they offer. This seems (regrettably) problematic though because it doesn't seem to explain all of the songs in this scenario. I'm not sure what it is, but I definitely would like to understand it more. A goal of mine is to be able to elicit that kind of scenario with something I've created. "Why?", you might ask. Well, I know how warm these experiences can be, and it'd be nice to know that I played a role in that.
That's all for today. I'll see you next year.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Restlessness the path to greatness?
Hello, world. Did you miss me? Apparently I missed you as I'm writing to you on a warm (but not uncomfortably so) evening. I seem to turn to you when I can't sleep and, by an unfortunate coincidence, when I am not in my usual high spirits. I miss many things. I miss many people. Katie and I love living here, but the concessions we must make in order to continue doing so are not always so easy to live with. I have so much to be grateful for. Life goes easy on me (most of the time).
Enough chit-chat... I caught a bug this evening--one might say I took a brief visit down the "rathole". I call it a bug because it is a nuisance, and, though I can't be certain, I'm fairly sure that (also like a bug) it will be out of my life and into the shadows in no time at all. There is a lingering longing for greatness pestering me, knocking on the walls of my heart and mind. The ambiguity of this "greatness" is frustrating, to say the least. How does one define greatness? Success? What kind of success? The litany of questions could very easily go on for days; unfortunately for me, silly questions like this have been floating in and out of my brain like... well, like bugs... little flies perhaps. I told Katie that it's hard to accept my own mediocrity and my own limits. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't believe me to have limits. Prima facie it is obviously untrue, but it did get me thinking that perhaps I do sell myself short. I read a study on Optimism that purported optimists tend to fair better socioeconomically, in their health, and they tend to cope better when faced with adversity. The claim is partially common sense: if you anticipate good things happening in your future, you are very likely to continue pursuing goals, bettering your current situation, etc. Maybe that's something that I lack. I strive to better various aspects of myself on a regular basis, but there is definitely room for improvement. It could be more structured. It could be structured to begin with. As it currently stands, I've got nothing but a mental list of things to do. I'm sorry if this is boring you to tears, but I believe it is actually beneficial for me to sort through the minutiae.
I do try so very hard. I'm doing well in school. I've two more quarters before getting my bachelors (it's about time!), and my GPA is solid. I got straight-A's last quarter, which is laudable in that I was balancing a lot at the time. I'm not sure where to go from there though. There's been talk of graduate school. I'm not so sure I'm up for it right now. I do have to get my teaching credential anyway, and the program at UCSB is very arduous, but it's only a year long and ends with a masters degree and a teaching credential. A year isn't that long when you really think about it; on the other hand, that would require a lot of dedication. This is a nice segue into another problem I've been wrestling with this evening. Dedication...
I've given it some though and decided that I'm not a very dedicated person. I'm an addictive person, a distracted person. I do many things adequately to moderately well, but I cannot say with any sort of sincerity or conviction that I do anything excellently, at least nothing that I take very much pride in. This might be because my expectations are too high or I am pessimistic/cynical/half-empty/take your pick. My hope is that this isn't the case. The truth is I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of my own skills and limits. But I can't stop moving. Not that I'm supposed to or that that would help, but I get restless sometimes and want more. I want to achieve more, be better at so many things, be great at something, truly great. Sometimes I think it's there. Other times I get frustrated because I think it couldn't possibly be there. What is the reality? What is the truth? I'm not so sure.
With all of the words I've written/typed, one would expect that I would actually have said something intelligible or constructive. I hope you find at least some humor in this. The real question is, where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? How do I go about attaining excellence of character and eudaimonia? Choose one path and dedicate myself to excelling there? Continue to be the tired "jack of all trades, master of none"? Do whatever I feel like and enjoy the wonderful life that I have? Unlike what might logically make sense, I begin with statements and end with questions. The statements answer the questions, which starts the cycle all over again: this is the definition of the word "rathole". I'm moving. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I'm moving.
Sleep well,
Josh Bandy
P.S. I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while. I do hope you've been well in my absence.
Enough chit-chat... I caught a bug this evening--one might say I took a brief visit down the "rathole". I call it a bug because it is a nuisance, and, though I can't be certain, I'm fairly sure that (also like a bug) it will be out of my life and into the shadows in no time at all. There is a lingering longing for greatness pestering me, knocking on the walls of my heart and mind. The ambiguity of this "greatness" is frustrating, to say the least. How does one define greatness? Success? What kind of success? The litany of questions could very easily go on for days; unfortunately for me, silly questions like this have been floating in and out of my brain like... well, like bugs... little flies perhaps. I told Katie that it's hard to accept my own mediocrity and my own limits. She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't believe me to have limits. Prima facie it is obviously untrue, but it did get me thinking that perhaps I do sell myself short. I read a study on Optimism that purported optimists tend to fair better socioeconomically, in their health, and they tend to cope better when faced with adversity. The claim is partially common sense: if you anticipate good things happening in your future, you are very likely to continue pursuing goals, bettering your current situation, etc. Maybe that's something that I lack. I strive to better various aspects of myself on a regular basis, but there is definitely room for improvement. It could be more structured. It could be structured to begin with. As it currently stands, I've got nothing but a mental list of things to do. I'm sorry if this is boring you to tears, but I believe it is actually beneficial for me to sort through the minutiae.
I do try so very hard. I'm doing well in school. I've two more quarters before getting my bachelors (it's about time!), and my GPA is solid. I got straight-A's last quarter, which is laudable in that I was balancing a lot at the time. I'm not sure where to go from there though. There's been talk of graduate school. I'm not so sure I'm up for it right now. I do have to get my teaching credential anyway, and the program at UCSB is very arduous, but it's only a year long and ends with a masters degree and a teaching credential. A year isn't that long when you really think about it; on the other hand, that would require a lot of dedication. This is a nice segue into another problem I've been wrestling with this evening. Dedication...
I've given it some though and decided that I'm not a very dedicated person. I'm an addictive person, a distracted person. I do many things adequately to moderately well, but I cannot say with any sort of sincerity or conviction that I do anything excellently, at least nothing that I take very much pride in. This might be because my expectations are too high or I am pessimistic/cynical/half-empty/take your pick. My hope is that this isn't the case. The truth is I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of my own skills and limits. But I can't stop moving. Not that I'm supposed to or that that would help, but I get restless sometimes and want more. I want to achieve more, be better at so many things, be great at something, truly great. Sometimes I think it's there. Other times I get frustrated because I think it couldn't possibly be there. What is the reality? What is the truth? I'm not so sure.
With all of the words I've written/typed, one would expect that I would actually have said something intelligible or constructive. I hope you find at least some humor in this. The real question is, where do we go from here? Where do I go from here? How do I go about attaining excellence of character and eudaimonia? Choose one path and dedicate myself to excelling there? Continue to be the tired "jack of all trades, master of none"? Do whatever I feel like and enjoy the wonderful life that I have? Unlike what might logically make sense, I begin with statements and end with questions. The statements answer the questions, which starts the cycle all over again: this is the definition of the word "rathole". I'm moving. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I'm moving.
Sleep well,
Josh Bandy
P.S. I'm sorry I haven't written you in a while. I do hope you've been well in my absence.
Friday, September 3, 2010
August 16, 2010
San Francisco was an affable friend. I think we will be on good terms for some time. Yesterday was wonderful all the way around. We started by going to a park for a free concert. We met up with many of the people we hung out with at the Irish bar. Dan apparently lives in a house full of Jews. They get money to throw parties and events and stuff. We drank wine and ate chips and hummus. When the concert was over we stopped at the restroom (as we'd been drinking for a few hours). Some sexist city designer thought it would be funny to put 12 stalls in the women's restroom and none (well, one) for the men. When Becky came out she instructed those of us in the long line of men waiting to relieve ourselves to just use the women's bathroom. So, a hoard of men then stampeded in that direction. It wasn't anarchy or anything, but it was fun. After that we went to the Castro District, which is home of the gays. We had a great time barhopping and dancing. Evan found some cute boy and was having a ball so we left him. After they'd hung out for a few Evan was left stranded and wandered the streets of San Francisco drunk. On the road to Oregon for the next part of this adventure. It's been a great start so far.
Best,
Josh Bandy
Best,
Josh Bandy
August 15, 2010
So last night was amazing. We went out and drank the evening away at some overpriced Irish bar. Becky's boy_friend knew some people in an 80's accordion rock band. There were trombones and top hats, pretty much everything you could possibly want. I met some really sweet people. Dan is Becky's man. Sara(h?) is one of his many roommates. Rachel is friends with them and was super into Evan. They bonded over some Showtunes and danced together most of the night. Then there were Jeremy and Jenny, more of Becky's friends. I think the last of our group consisted of another Becky and another Josh. It was a great time. We danced and sang to Michael Jackson (from the Jackson 5) and Journey. I got lost in the experience, and I'm grateful for that. I hope more nights on this trip are like this one. Tonight we are headed to the Castro District to visit the gays. With Evan's dancing we should be in for another interesting experience :) More to come later.
Best,
Josh Bandy
Best,
Josh Bandy
August 14, 2010
So much for writing everyday. That didn't take very long, did it? Yesterday was somewhat uneventful (in my defense). Registration was rather boring and mostly pointless. It does, fortunately, look like I'll be able to minor in Philosophy if I decide that is something I want to do. I'm still debating right now. Orientation took up most of the day. It took forever to be seen by my counselor. I tried to be fair by having everyone pull numbers for the order in which they'd be seen because the counselor left it very open-ended. This, of course, ended in my getting the second to the last number. All in all, the school does seem to be like a great place, and I'm happy to be going there soon. So many superlative changes approaching rapidly. (Does "superlative" work here, or is it too far off?) It's a wonderful feeling, really. I like feeling a part of some bigger spirit/group. Just attending that one school is a very unifying thing.
After orientation we fled to the city of San Francisco. Katie's sister, Becky, is letting us stay here despite Katie's absence, which is very kind of her! After getting settled we wandered the streets and found a cool bar called "Hemlock" on Pine and Polk St. There were several times throughout the evening that people stopped me and admired my UCSB sweater. Once again, it's good to be unified. I've felt like an outsider of sorts for a long time because I don't think like a lot of other people (and, don't get me wrong, I like it that way for the most part); but I want to have hope in our species. I want to believe we can defeat our pettiness, greed, and stupidity. In order to make some kind of difference to that effect I must be able to relate. Anyway, we're heading out right now to see the city so this is all for now.
Best always,
Josh Bandy
After orientation we fled to the city of San Francisco. Katie's sister, Becky, is letting us stay here despite Katie's absence, which is very kind of her! After getting settled we wandered the streets and found a cool bar called "Hemlock" on Pine and Polk St. There were several times throughout the evening that people stopped me and admired my UCSB sweater. Once again, it's good to be unified. I've felt like an outsider of sorts for a long time because I don't think like a lot of other people (and, don't get me wrong, I like it that way for the most part); but I want to have hope in our species. I want to believe we can defeat our pettiness, greed, and stupidity. In order to make some kind of difference to that effect I must be able to relate. Anyway, we're heading out right now to see the city so this is all for now.
Best always,
Josh Bandy
Friday, August 27, 2010
Retroactive Journal entries
I have this journal (great gift) wherein I've been attempting to keep track of my most recent travels. I'm going to try to transcribe them here, but it might take me some time. Happy reading :)
(Note: future entries for this trip will be titled with the date they were originally written)
August 12, 2010
Today marks the start of a five-week-long road trip. My comrade for the journey is an affable chap named Evan (whom I worked with for some time at the Elephant Bar in Riverside). Years ago I might have seen this trip as an opportunity to find some abstract Truth that would make sense of the chaos that is the world as we perceive it; however, I have since abandoned most (but not all, I suppose) efforts to find some such myth. Instead, I see this trip as a fortuitous opportunity to experience new things and meet some new people. Since "Gott ist Tot," I am saying "yes" to this life (as the wise Nietzsche might implore me to do). I would nonetheless like to work on some things while I'm on this vacation though. I want to smile more. I want to learn how to enjoy and appreciate people and places more than I do now. I always want to learn how to love more too.
We are currently driving to Santa Barbara. My dear friend Jason Paul met up with us in Culver City to give us some cases of Vitamin Water and Smart Water for the trip. I love that guy. We have a great friendship, and I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for myriad things right now. I don't believe in Karma, but if I did I'd say that I must've been some kind of saint in a past life. Is that how Karma even works? I'm not sure... Maybe it's not too late to be a kind of saint in this life too. That's all for now. I plan on writing around once a day. We'll see how that goes.
L'chaim,
Josh Bandy
(Note: future entries for this trip will be titled with the date they were originally written)
August 12, 2010
Today marks the start of a five-week-long road trip. My comrade for the journey is an affable chap named Evan (whom I worked with for some time at the Elephant Bar in Riverside). Years ago I might have seen this trip as an opportunity to find some abstract Truth that would make sense of the chaos that is the world as we perceive it; however, I have since abandoned most (but not all, I suppose) efforts to find some such myth. Instead, I see this trip as a fortuitous opportunity to experience new things and meet some new people. Since "Gott ist Tot," I am saying "yes" to this life (as the wise Nietzsche might implore me to do). I would nonetheless like to work on some things while I'm on this vacation though. I want to smile more. I want to learn how to enjoy and appreciate people and places more than I do now. I always want to learn how to love more too.
We are currently driving to Santa Barbara. My dear friend Jason Paul met up with us in Culver City to give us some cases of Vitamin Water and Smart Water for the trip. I love that guy. We have a great friendship, and I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful for myriad things right now. I don't believe in Karma, but if I did I'd say that I must've been some kind of saint in a past life. Is that how Karma even works? I'm not sure... Maybe it's not too late to be a kind of saint in this life too. That's all for now. I plan on writing around once a day. We'll see how that goes.
L'chaim,
Josh Bandy
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Some light
I thought I should update this as my last blogs are much more despondent than my actual life is/has been. It probably doesn't help that most of my blogs are written in the dead of lonely night. I'm changing up a few things though. I have released my nihlistic sentiments (for the most part) and exchanged it for optimism. This, in large part, began with a conversation I had with one of the greatest men I know. I strive to be as love and magnanimous as Alan Volen, I really do. He offered sound advice that was somehow able to penetrate the shield of pessimism I'd grown so accustomed to. I feel somewhat like a recovering addict. "I've been sanguine for two weeks now." My world is gradually becoming more and more ethereal, and for this I am grateful. Negativity is unacceptable. This is the aphorism to which I now how myself accountable. If you hear anything negative from me, bring it to my attention and it will be remedied. I'm going to try. While I can't promise success, I can only do my best. I will make a positive impact, soft or profound, and I will become a better man. Think positive thoughts.
Be well.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The night that turned into the morning.
I've been up for almost 24 hours. I decided not to sleep tonight. I did drink a bottle of wine though. That was nice, though now my body feels like shit. I've also been eating junk food all night. I'm going to work in a few hours and didn't know what else to do before work. I have a lot of thoughts in my head. It doesn't really matter what they are, I've decided. Not a whole lot matters. In fact, I'm trouble coming up with anything that actually matters.
My band played a show tonight. It was over a hundred degrees and it felt like a sauna. The turnout wasn't very good. There were a few regulars that came. It was nice to see those people that have been to every show. I didn't feel very inspired after the show though. I sat back and thought that this is what music has come to: people love it with all their heart and are reduced to playing a show for 15 people in the miserable heat. Abandon Kansas and Paper Mache are both wonderful bands. I don't know what the deal is with AK but PM tours almost all year and the band (from what I have heard second hand) are in thousands of dollars of debt.
I think justice is this made up word that doesn't really exist. Nothing is as I would have it. On top of this humbling fact, I am forced to accept that I am essentially powerless to this. I've made an observation that I think is sobering but accurate: people don't give a shit. We are inherently selfish. It makes sense. It's how we came to exist in the first place. Were we not selfish, we would not have survived. It is the "stamp of our lowly origin." I had hope that at this stage in our evolution we could be the anomaly that surpassed all other species. Could we find a way to become selfless while thriving? It doesn't appear to be so. We are yet corrupted by greed and selfishness.
I had been holding on to hope for some time now, but it has been growing increasingly scarce. The whole system is fucked. There are no answers. I cannot accept the lies I was fed when I was young. Where does that leave me? A nihilist. I ran into someone who said nihilism had been defeated rather convincingly. I would very much like to hear that argument. Jean Paul Sartre spoke of three stages of human development: Abandonment, anguish, and despair.
Abandonment. Sartre thought that belief in God was no longer tenable for the late 19th century. His focus was mainly directed towards morality, the idea that there is no underlying source of existential purpose or ethics.
Anguish. After acknowledging such a painful blow one would realize he/she is fully responsible for the decisions he/she makes. We cannot blame anyone for the state we find ourselves in. Essentially, we make our own beds.
Despair. We realize that we can't necessarily achieve what we want. Nothing is perfect. This brings us despair.
The man makes a lot of sense to me. It's bleak, I know, but I don't really have a better interpretation of the way things are. I bounce around between pessimism and optimism often. I wonder if I am "clinically depressed." I am then disgusted at the idea that I am thinking clearly but would be given copious prescriptions to dope me up while I ride this frustrating rollercoaster we call existence. The whole this is fucked. The whole thing. My brain is poisoned. No answers. I'm tired of asking questions, and I don't really feel like doing anything. I should be grateful for the fortunate state I find myself in. This country, though I criticize it frequently, is much better off that the majority of the world. There are many who would kill to be in my state (with no exaggeration made whatsoever). I can't seem to find the motivation. The broken system cannot be mended by my hands. I've nothing meaningful to add to the solution. My voice goes unheard. Change occurs only when change is ardently pursued. As stated earlier, because people don't care, change is not coming. I had lofty aspirations once. No more. I respectfully resign. Fuck it. I'm ready to go. See you around.
My band played a show tonight. It was over a hundred degrees and it felt like a sauna. The turnout wasn't very good. There were a few regulars that came. It was nice to see those people that have been to every show. I didn't feel very inspired after the show though. I sat back and thought that this is what music has come to: people love it with all their heart and are reduced to playing a show for 15 people in the miserable heat. Abandon Kansas and Paper Mache are both wonderful bands. I don't know what the deal is with AK but PM tours almost all year and the band (from what I have heard second hand) are in thousands of dollars of debt.
I think justice is this made up word that doesn't really exist. Nothing is as I would have it. On top of this humbling fact, I am forced to accept that I am essentially powerless to this. I've made an observation that I think is sobering but accurate: people don't give a shit. We are inherently selfish. It makes sense. It's how we came to exist in the first place. Were we not selfish, we would not have survived. It is the "stamp of our lowly origin." I had hope that at this stage in our evolution we could be the anomaly that surpassed all other species. Could we find a way to become selfless while thriving? It doesn't appear to be so. We are yet corrupted by greed and selfishness.
I had been holding on to hope for some time now, but it has been growing increasingly scarce. The whole system is fucked. There are no answers. I cannot accept the lies I was fed when I was young. Where does that leave me? A nihilist. I ran into someone who said nihilism had been defeated rather convincingly. I would very much like to hear that argument. Jean Paul Sartre spoke of three stages of human development: Abandonment, anguish, and despair.
Abandonment. Sartre thought that belief in God was no longer tenable for the late 19th century. His focus was mainly directed towards morality, the idea that there is no underlying source of existential purpose or ethics.
Anguish. After acknowledging such a painful blow one would realize he/she is fully responsible for the decisions he/she makes. We cannot blame anyone for the state we find ourselves in. Essentially, we make our own beds.
Despair. We realize that we can't necessarily achieve what we want. Nothing is perfect. This brings us despair.
The man makes a lot of sense to me. It's bleak, I know, but I don't really have a better interpretation of the way things are. I bounce around between pessimism and optimism often. I wonder if I am "clinically depressed." I am then disgusted at the idea that I am thinking clearly but would be given copious prescriptions to dope me up while I ride this frustrating rollercoaster we call existence. The whole this is fucked. The whole thing. My brain is poisoned. No answers. I'm tired of asking questions, and I don't really feel like doing anything. I should be grateful for the fortunate state I find myself in. This country, though I criticize it frequently, is much better off that the majority of the world. There are many who would kill to be in my state (with no exaggeration made whatsoever). I can't seem to find the motivation. The broken system cannot be mended by my hands. I've nothing meaningful to add to the solution. My voice goes unheard. Change occurs only when change is ardently pursued. As stated earlier, because people don't care, change is not coming. I had lofty aspirations once. No more. I respectfully resign. Fuck it. I'm ready to go. See you around.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Greg Laswell
I got the wonderful opportunity to see Laswell play in Hermosa Beach this evening. It was lovely. That said, I'd like to update quickly on a few things. I'm going to leave the country (eventually). I've turned into a grouch of sorts and am no longer able to tolerate living here. I also decided I don't so much like life. I'm venturing toward nihilism though I haven't completed arrived there as of yet. This is all very silly.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Hope
I came across this the other day and thought I'd share. Hope you are all doing well.
"...the conception of a slowly developing humanity compensates for the partial failures and for the marred beauty of isolated instances. And surely there is in this human story, from cave man to poet, philosopher, and scientist, enough inspiration to fire the most sluggish imagination. There is enough to make one feel that, whatever our failure may be, they are neither eternal nor irremediable; that the course of evolution has loaded the dice in our favour; and that even though as individuals we are mere links in the chain of beings, as links we still play our parts, and so serve to provide a finer metal out of which may be forged the links that follow."
-Chapman Cohen, Monism and Religion
"...the conception of a slowly developing humanity compensates for the partial failures and for the marred beauty of isolated instances. And surely there is in this human story, from cave man to poet, philosopher, and scientist, enough inspiration to fire the most sluggish imagination. There is enough to make one feel that, whatever our failure may be, they are neither eternal nor irremediable; that the course of evolution has loaded the dice in our favour; and that even though as individuals we are mere links in the chain of beings, as links we still play our parts, and so serve to provide a finer metal out of which may be forged the links that follow."
-Chapman Cohen, Monism and Religion
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